When I first came to know who Ian Curtis was, who Joy Division were and listened for the first time to the album Unknown Pleasures, I was 16 years old. A whole decade after he took his own life.
That album completely blew me away, with it's deep base lines and haunting guitar highs. The vocals felt distant and present at the same time, more real and human than anything I'd ever previously heard - the humanity is what got me, as if I was forcibly pinned to the wall, eyes wide opening, feeling and seeing almost for the first time.
That memory of first listening to Unknown Pleasures has never left me.
I used to think it was strange that I developed a sense of mourning for someone I'd never met, had no connection to other than listening to their music, only became aware of 10 years after he died. But I don't think it was simply that he died, and at such a young age. It wasn't an accidental overdose or a misadventure, like with some other iconic musicians and singers. It was suicide. That's what made it different. It was a decision so remarkably sad.
With age I've come to feel sadness for anyone who's last act is to take their own life. My sadness for Ian Curtis then wasn't borne out of hero worship, but simple humanity. It just happened that he wrote lyrics and delivered them in a way that meant something to me.
If you've ever read anything about him on a surface level, it's easy to point to his lyrics and be aware of his depression, in a way that makes you think his suicide was inevitable. But listening to his band mates on the news recently, talking about him just being normal and that he smiled and laughed and, whilst different and not normal in some ways, was just a bloke. It's only hindsight that allows us to see how deeply troubled someone must have been, to take that step to end their own life.
It's difficult to know what someone is going through, how bad it is for them, even if on the outside they seem perfectly fine. Any suicide is horrendous, and the number of men today taking their own lives is incredibly, incredibly sad - and worrying.
If you're in that place, or if you're lucky enough to notice that someone might be struggling, please, please, please seek help. There are people and places where you can access help.
Platform 1 - men's mental health and crisis charity - Huddersfield
Andy's Man Club - a safe place to talk to other men at weekly meet ups, who might be struggling.
There are of course many more organisations who can help if you're struggling with mental health issues. There is a list here:
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